Classy and Shit

“I’m just going to go ahead and post this photo once every...”
— vom dot com 

Dec 15th

My mom tells me

that my type is too narrow and that all the boys I find attractive look like the guy I was obsessed...

Dec 14th

Hi my name is Cate

and I’ve started internet dating and wearing a bathrobe around the house.

Dec 14th

I'd probably die within two minutes of...

(I see either a cat or a raccoon run under my mother's car parked outside her house.)
(I stop my car and honk.)
(I wait.)
(I honk again.)
(I open my door and peer under my mother's car.)
(I see a tail.)
Me: Are you a cat?
(A cat appears.)

Dec 14th

Hi my name is Cate

and I’ve started internet dating. 

Dec 14th

Erik: i know did i tell you im having reacurring dreams...

Dec 12th

Apparently the correct answer to the...

is not “a dry spell” and “abortion, obviously.”

Dec 11th

In the weight room of my mother's YMCA

Mom: There's a cute guy in the other room I wanted you to meet.
Me: Guy? A male--a man? What do you mean guy? Oh my god hide. Wait. Where? Oh no I look albino. I'm like basically an albino whale. Wait. Is he really cute? Where is he? Why didn't you introduce us? Ok go back in there and introduce us. No actually I look terrible. I can't believe you didn't introduce us, though. What does he look like? Give him my number. I'm serious just give him my number. No--what are you doing! Not NOW but like next time obviously. Actually take a camera pic of him first. Next time I'll make sure my socks match and then we can meet. I dunno though, maybe he should meet me on a blind date first. Is that him on the mat? I can't see him. I could wear that new black dress with red lipstick. I wonder how it is living in Seattle as an interracial couple... We could always move to California. That is where I want to ultimately end up. Hm. But I don't know about that if he's working out in the middle of the day. Unemployed probably. I don't see this working. Maybe if he's hot enough though.
Me: Mom, dating is honestly so tiring.

Dec 9th

My face is a veritable

kaleidoscope of dermatological disorders. 

Dec 9th

I can't wait to get old.

The truth is that at some point in life, certain middle aged women start dressing...

Dec 6th

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows...

Dec 6th

Healing

I read about a little girl who awoke every night crying due to a non-descript, floating pain which...

Dec 2nd

Lead Up to Elementary School Reunion

Me: so what's camille up to these days?
Katie: I PrOCrAsInAtE WHen It COmEs To HoMeWork, DrInK OcCaSioNaLLy, LiKE GuYs ThAt CaN MaKe Me LAuGh and BE MySeLf, LOVe HanGiN WiTh My FriEnDs, I WaNt To PuBlIsH My OwN NoVeL SOme Day AnD I DecIDeD RaNcH TaStE GooD WiTH PiZZa(Hey DOnt KnoCK If YoU HaveNt TriEd iT), LiKe HAvIn LaZY SUnDAYs
Katie: thats what camilles up to

Dec 2nd

PETA

I’m not quite sure why PETA insists on every last one of its ads looking like a Maxim photo...

Dec 2nd

My Grandmother wrote me

Happy Birthday to the family trail-blazer; in search of new vistas one slips out the beckoning open...

Dec 1st