December 2009
22 posts
I move to strike the phrase "sort of" from...
Christmas Dinner
Uncle Dick: I'm tellin' ya Cate, if you're not making 250 k a year when you're 50 you're gonna be in a real tough place. Things are gonna be real different.
Me: Yeah, we'll see how it goes.
Uncle Dick: Our country is gonna be in sorry shape for your generation. $250,000 will be nothin'.
Aunt Melissa: It's a good thing that you have no idea what's actually going to happen.
Uncle Dick: Yep.
“If anyone can make warts hot, it’s you.”
– My mom
Upscale and Shit
Am I making this up or is the merchandise in H&M incredibly variable? There was one in Berlin that felt like an upscale department store from the 1960s (I’m picturing mint green carpeting and cookies n’ cream marble floors) with fantastic, heavy, draping pieces. Then sometimes, like yesterday, I stumble upon an H&M that is filled with chunky, magenta cable-knit turtlenecks and...
“Between the two bjs you’ll be set for Vegas.”
– -My mom
Only in my life would this mean: Between your boss BJ and your Grandmother whose nickname was once BJ (Betty Jones) will you have enough money to go to Vegas with 9 women.
“Usually arts have a hard time drawing faces.”
– Coco (as in Ice Cube’s Coco)
“I’m just going to go ahead and post this photo once every few months or so,...”
– vom dot com
My mom tells me
that my type is too narrow and that all the boys I find attractive look like the guy I was obsessed with in the 7th grade. This is a classic case of the chicken and the egg: my mother believes I’m attracted to these guys in order to work through my feelings of inadequacy from middle school and I believe I’m attracted to them because they are (were in the case of the 7th grader) all...
Hi my name is Cate
and I’ve started internet dating and wearing a bathrobe around the house.
I'd probably die within two minutes of living in...
(I see either a cat or a raccoon run under my mother's car parked outside her house.)
(I stop my car and honk.)
(I wait.)
(I honk again.)
(I open my door and peer under my mother's car.)
(I see a tail.)
Me: Are you a cat?
(A cat appears.)
Hi my name is Cate
and I’ve started internet dating.
Apparently the correct answer to the question,...
is not “a dry spell” and “abortion, obviously.”
In the weight room of my mother's YMCA
Mom: There's a cute guy in the other room I wanted you to meet.
Me: Guy? A male--a man? What do you mean guy? Oh my god hide. Wait. Where? Oh no I look albino. I'm like basically an albino whale. Wait. Is he really cute? Where is he? Why didn't you introduce us? Ok go back in there and introduce us. No actually I look terrible. I can't believe you didn't introduce us, though. What does he look like? Give him my number. I'm serious just give him my number. No--what are you doing! Not NOW but like next time obviously. Actually take a camera pic of him first. Next time I'll make sure my socks match and then we can meet. I dunno though, maybe he should meet me on a blind date first. Is that him on the mat? I can't see him. I could wear that new black dress with red lipstick. I wonder how it is living in Seattle as an interracial couple... We could always move to California. That is where I want to ultimately end up. Hm. But I don't know about that if he's working out in the middle of the day. Unemployed probably. I don't see this working. Maybe if he's hot enough though.
Me: Mom, dating is honestly so tiring.
My face is a veritable
kaleidoscope of dermatological disorders.
I can't wait to get old.
The truth is that at some point in life, certain middle aged women start dressing monochromatically—including hair dye and purses. Do they one morning decide that those fun purple socks would look nice paired with a purple blouse? And then does the purple on both ends bleed together through purple pants? Why not top it off with a purple polar fleece? they might wonder. Are they then obliged...
Healing
I read about a little girl who awoke every night crying due to a non-descript, floating pain which doctors believed to result from no real physical ailment. The girl’s parents (also the authors of the book) asked her to find the pain in her mind. She told them it was a dark red spot meant to be pink. They asked her to visualize coloring the red spot pink and she agreed that this could be...
Lead Up to Elementary School Reunion
Me: so what's camille up to these days?
Katie: I PrOCrAsInAtE WHen It COmEs To HoMeWork, DrInK OcCaSioNaLLy, LiKE GuYs ThAt CaN MaKe Me LAuGh and BE MySeLf, LOVe HanGiN WiTh My FriEnDs, I WaNt To PuBlIsH My OwN NoVeL SOme Day AnD I DecIDeD RaNcH TaStE GooD WiTH PiZZa(Hey DOnt KnoCK If YoU HaveNt TriEd iT), LiKe HAvIn LaZY SUnDAYs
Katie: thats what camilles up to
PETA
I’m not quite sure why PETA insists on every last one of its ads looking like a Maxim photo spread. There used to be some semblance of a connection between the nudity of the model and the message of the ad but even that was a stretch because the obvious opposite of wearing fur is not rubbing glitter on your body and walking around naked. I’ve been successfully avoiding both fur and...
My Grandmother wrote me
Happy Birthday to the family trail-blazer; in search of new vistas one slips out the beckoning open window.
Always my love,
Nonnie